it’s too soon

“Two most common fears: clowns and heights.
Science World. We can explain.”

- Rethink Communications, Vancouver; Canada

I’ve thought the phrase so many times, after always thinking things will never happen. It’s hours before a scheduled decisive moment, and I’ve read about death, thought about love and feel like the peak of the Great Depression. Not the best state of mind to be in.

It’s probably the cumulation of all environmental factors working together to dampen my mood: it’s Christmas season, yet I can’t go out and sniff the joy. The wet weather makes me sleepy, and gloomy, altogether it makes me want to sleep till spring comes around again and I say “it’s too soon”.

As tuesdays with Morrie puts it:

“Learn how to die, and you learn how to live”

Credits to adsoftheworld.com

P.S. I’m afraid of clowns – who can not be? They’re bigger than me, they’re suspiciously happy in a sad world, and they want to come too close.

The little boxes with flipped-out lenses

It is with part-horror/part-glee that I realise my growing camera hoard. I started with a supersampler from on-board and airplane. With it’s four lenses, I wanted more. Then a mini-camera from Hong Kong. And then a holga came to me, with much love, and little knowledge, I screw a number of 120s, and turned to my D90.

Trips to Japan and Philippines saw me alternate between my choice of little boxes, carefully packed in bubble wrap, between towels and clothes.

And soon to come my way is the Fuji Instax 200, Fuji Instax 7s and my latest stork-brought vintage, a Kodak Brownie Hawkeye. Might I include that the final acquisition comes after some urging from an individual very influential to my photography.

And so, really, I should stop now, but it’s hard to see myself stopping.

let go, it’s now.

“In any case, though, I believe that I have not been fair to you and that, as a result, I must have led you around in circles and hurt you deeply. In doing so, however, I have led myself around in circles and hurt myself just as deeply. I say this not as an excuse or a means of self-justification but because it is true. If I have a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. So please try not to hate me. I am a flawed human being-a far more flawed human being than you realize. Which is precisely why I do not want you to hate me.”

Norwegian Wood.

more than just

its times when you worry

that you lose track of hope.

that we forget that faith is believing

even when we lose sight.

it’s fearful, and tiring

and it’s alright to slow down.

but know when you’ve got to take a break

I’m there at your pitstop.

If you read this, know you’re in my prayers. Know that you’re not alone, and won’t be on Dec 7th and the days that follow. Don’t choose to be alone, because we would be thankful to be there for you, just as you’ve been for us. To Jee.

life in the guillotine

do you know what its like, to live in your shadows

to forever walk in the echos of your mistakes.

To listen to the noise that clouds your mind

to want to kill those that have heard your stories

and believe you an eternal infidel.

Walk, don’t run.

you tell me to wipe my hands

my dirty little paws

and wipe my mouth

and walk, don’t run.

you know me like I don’t know myself

and see danger before I do.

I’ll graduate to that level too

just wait awhile

your little girl will grow up.

let me

It’s a chilly night and the city lights

make me want to twirl and dance in circles

you may not be with me

but it sure feels cosy.

.

I imagine it’s snowing stars

the ones we picked out while we were at the beach

and it’d be like christmas everyday

except it’s reality.

.

hope it’s you on the phone

that I’ll have a home with you

with days we can live out endless possibilities 

I’m allowed to dream, let me.

.

As I lie in bed before I sleep

and it’s quiet and I come alive

of coloured walls and cutlery

and plans for eternity.

.

I’d pick your clothes and you pick mine

tighten your tie or wish you goodbye

and know that you’ll be back at the end of the day

you’ll be home.

.

pray we’ll always be together

held up in each other

with days we can live out endless possibilities

I’m allowed to dream, let me.

ellipses

You don’t visit this place, I think, but in any case, thank you. For your disapproval and ellipses enunciated, then retracted when you listened to me. For sitting by my table those days I came in gloom, which would be almost everyday. For rejoicing with me, finally.

dated

In the old I find my faith restored

and some endings being sold.

Under wooden signage of offered deals

the realization lives on.

brown-eyed girl

Maybe it wasn’t the time to carry on,

but now the ends have met again.

Like the broken string I made, we mend

and it’s crawling trips and dreams on land.

.

To my brown-eyed girl, with love.