it’s too soon

“Two most common fears: clowns and heights.
Science World. We can explain.”

- Rethink Communications, Vancouver; Canada

I’ve thought the phrase so many times, after always thinking things will never happen. It’s hours before a scheduled decisive moment, and I’ve read about death, thought about love and feel like the peak of the Great Depression. Not the best state of mind to be in.

It’s probably the cumulation of all environmental factors working together to dampen my mood: it’s Christmas season, yet I can’t go out and sniff the joy. The wet weather makes me sleepy, and gloomy, altogether it makes me want to sleep till spring comes around again and I say “it’s too soon”.

As tuesdays with Morrie puts it:

“Learn how to die, and you learn how to live”

Credits to adsoftheworld.com

P.S. I’m afraid of clowns – who can not be? They’re bigger than me, they’re suspiciously happy in a sad world, and they want to come too close.

しんじてください

Under the rock I found some sand and inside every grain

the world created, melted and redeveloped,

and in it flowers died and bore fruit.

I held my life, something I’d put in your hands

because time no longer mattered.

As it began, so it shall end. I was born to do this, and if it takes my life, so it shall be. For though the end may be life condemned, I couldn’t deviate if my feet did. You were my life and will be the death of me.

nigeria fallen

Streaks of blue and green and red

Through my veins and in my head

Things just fail some time, they always do.

 

You said there’d be no others, there were. They were not partners, nor family, they were friends and still I lost to them. You asked for time from me, and then gave it away so easily, it’s not about hurting inside anymore, it’s about knowing I deserve to be treated better.

Who is this man that comes my way

Take my reasons and take them apart

no reasons qualify for I have drifted

For the forgotten and the neglected

I used that in front of me.

 

You walked the East to the West,

No man’s land where they didn’t want to know you 

Still you stayed and made them realise

The sacrifice that would mark your hands.

22

I turned 22 today, and I have much to be thankful for today.

I’m still alive, and happier, in some ways.

I no longer count the minutes in my days.

The people I forgot around me, I now realise.

I’m one year closer to being by your side.

Thank you.

Much better, very much better indeed.

postsecrets not a secret

Dear Frank,

I went to the PostSecret exhibit recently and left a secret on a pink index card that said:

I skipped school today.
My eating disorder is back.
I’ve started cutting again.

On my way home I went to my family’s health care provider to ask for help, but instead of helping me they got frustrated with my inability to communicate what was wrong and told me they couldn’t do anything.

I left numb with dejection and hopelessness. I went home and cut myself. I still don’t know why. But I cleaned myself up and just sat in my room staring outside for a long long time before picking up my PostSecret books and reading through all of them completely. I felt a little less alone.

I have no idea if this is the right email address to send this to or if you will even read it. But I am writing this to say Thank you for showing me that I am not alone in my solitude. Thank you for taking time. Thank you for giving the gift of PostSecret.

Credits to postsecret.blogspot.com

Unless you’ve been through it, you won’t know what it’s like wanting help but not knowing how to say anything. When the only words you know how to say is “I don’t know”, and people get frustrated, angry, and then walk away.

on dit

The sky was a pale blue like the lips of a woman dying of hypothermia, and around her, was the layers upon layers of snow.

Each tear she cried froze on her cheeks even as she was cozied in the cocoon of non-existance. It wasn’t as much about death as it was about taking a break from breathing.

The last year had been more than she could ask for, in many ways. And each time she had come close to taking her life, she had been given a thousand reasons not to.

Now as the pink of her cheeks and her fingers turned to grey, then to blue, she found herself whispering words of prayer, for mercy.

One scarred hand to the other, take me.

Dear Mr God,

Butterscotch is tiny, and he takes up very little space. He uses very little air too, so why does he have to die?

He sometimes bites people, but that’s because he’s scared, and only once did he bite so hard there was blood. But that was because the evil doctor squeezed him and forced him to take a picture God, I don’t like to be forced to take pictures too, they make me look like an idiot.

When he was barely a month old, he spilled his water bowl, and I was angry when I came back. Then I laughed at him because he tried to clean up the puddle by dragging the tissue I had given him to make his bed, all over the spilled water. And he looked at me through those innocent eyes, and I knew I’d love him for a long time.

He’s sometimes picky with his food, but we all are. And he really is a very good hamster, with a teachable heart. I know he’s greedy sometimes, especially the time he stuffed so much food into his cheekpouch that it got stuck and he couldn’t take out any of his favourite nuts and the pouch tore. But he’s been better since, really!

He’s had the tumour, for almost a year now, and it become a bothersome burden. The doctor says it hurts him alot and when things gets worse, we should let him sleep.

I asked my friend where do hammies go when they die, and she said heaven. Then I felt a little happier thinking Butterscotch would be someone else’s pet. That he’d still have a nice, cozy home and be handled by warm, loving hands.

So Mr God, if you really want to take him home, could you let me let go slowly. And I hope he’ll be safe in your hands, and he’ll miss me like I’ll miss him.

collapsible

There were a hundred faces, and I cared for none.

I was amongst the ton, and I smiled for a few cameras,

but.

.

I told her to save herself.

how things were simple in fact, complex only in thought

that the solution was simple,

but.

.

in my drunken state I wish I were dead,

with my soul at peace my body in sleep

but for my many doubts

i hang one with my final breath

in case

you’re different

this time round.

the F word

so you began as a noun starting with the letter F, and you ended up as another noun ending with the letter F as well.

.

i judge you not for your behavior, nor for your decisions, nor for your sad excuses. I am cordial with you, at best acquainted at superficial level. i care not who you sleep with, with or without the sex. neither do i care which moral or legal boundaries you break, those are your decisions to make.

.

but you have, as of yesterday, overstepped your place, and trespassed into my world, in which i care about all boundaries. your mistakes were yours to make, but when you tried to bring them into my world, you made a mistake. tell all the lies you wish, lie even to me, i don’t care. just because you do it, it neither becomes correct, nor accepted. and when you tried to change just a nuance in my world, you became the F word.

.

take my warning from wherever you wish, but take it and remember it. i’ll hold nothing back if you speak to me, and you’ll be shocked to hear what i tell you, that others don’t dare to.